I Can't Quit You
by mightyfinebear
Summary: April and Ethan have been going around in circles for months about how they feel about one another. Ethan has moved on with Vicky, while April quietly pines for him. After April admits her feelings and kisses Ethan in the breakroom, their relationship goes on a dark and complex ride, whittling them down to their worst parts and unveiling disturbing underlying issues.
1. An Itch To Scratch

April wiped the tears from her eyes and the saliva off her mouth, his kiss. She chastised herself over, and over, and over again. Kissing Ethan was stupid and unprofessional. He'd made a choice with what he wanted to do with his life; and his choice was Vicky.

When she arrived home, she tried to relax but couldn't. April paced, attempted to read a magazine, turned on the television, anything to rid herself of the embarrassment she felt. She'd look at something and then immediately feel the surge of desperation and sickening mortification.

"Ahh!" she finally screamed out.

It was immature, but it helped with the icky feeling she had.

…

Ethan couldn't control the guilt he felt was painted all over his face. Vicky had nearly caught him kissing April, _she _hadkissed him, she had initiated this entire mess, but then he kissed her back. Oh, how he missed her mouth, her lips, her taste. But here he was phony kicking it with his girlfriend, smiling and pretending like he wasn't periodically licking his lips to get a small hint of April. Replaying his betrayal like porn in his head.

"Ethan? Are you listening?"

_"No,"_ he thought, "Oh Vic, I'm sorry I've had a really long day and my head is throbbing."

She smiled sympathetically and kissed him on the forehead.

"I think I'm going to take off," Ethan said.

He was doing his best to fake his illness.

"You sure? You could let me take care of you," she answered seductively.

"Thanks," he said leaning in to give her a quick peck, "But I don't have it in me tonight."

Vicky smiled and nodded as she walked him to the door. As soon as he got outside, he sat in his jeep trying to figure out his next move.

"Go home, go home, go home," he whispered to himself.

He started the car and began driving, but as soon as he was supposed to take the exit to get to his apartment, he passed it.

…

April had just finished washing her face and brushing her teeth, when she heard the door. She grabbed her robe and loosely tied it around her waist. She looked through the peephole and gasped. She wanted to scream again as she shook the willies out of her hands.

"_I'm just going to act like I'm not home!"_

He pounded on the door again. The sound making her jump. She wasn't going to answer the then she looked down and saw the handle turning, the deadbolt slowly reversing its stance on the door. He still had a key!

"Ethan!"

There was nowhere to run. He shut the door behind him and stuffed his keys in his pocket. April stood frozen in her kitchen. He didn't speak. Her heart pounded and her cheeks bloomed cherries. Ethan took off his jacket and threw it on the floor before quickly walking towards her and pulling the back of her neck in, pushing his lips against hers. It was April's eyes open in surprise this time, an ambush she wasn't expecting, but just like him, she gave in. Her fingernails glided over the shaved patches on his head. The touch gave him goosebumps as he exhaled a moan in her mouth. April could feel him harden against her leg, their bodies pressed together in desperate embrace. He quickly snatched his mouth toward to her neck, as he used his hands to pull off her robe. He pulled her panties off and unzipped his pants before pushing her to the floor. He still had his mouth consuming her neck before burying himself deep between her heat. An effervescent moan escaped their mouths. He avariciously plunged himself into her, setting a pace that would seem as though they had no time at all. April couldn't contain the cries coming from her mouth as they were in perfect unison with Ethan's hips drumming against hers. Their skin and bodies moving in waves. But it was a pace made for speed not endurance as he began to splinter in his movements. His normally perfectly coifed hair falling into his eyes. He was close and began speaking. April couldn't make out what he was saying, he was speaking Korean. His frustration taken out in his mother tongue as he resentfully came inside her.

Whatever this was, it wasn't about her. Ethan avoided her eyes, stood up, and zipped his pants before looking to see where he'd thrown his coat. April sat up, she took a cue from him and began looking for her robe. He looked down at her on the floor as she positioned her robe back on. Silently staring at one another. April began to speak, but Ethan turned to the door opened it and left.

…

Ethan was rethinking his decision to stay on the same shifts as April. He adamantly didn't want to see her. For him, last night was a final chapter, she had tortured him enough hanging around his sister and then that kiss, the only solace he took in any of it was knowing deep down she was still in love with him. He could have her whenever he wanted. Catching glimpses of her at work was no longer necessary.

"Hey Mags."

"What's up Dr. Choi?"

"I-uh-think that I will take you up on that shift change with April."

"-Oh, don't worry she asked me for the change this morning, today is your last shift together."

Ethan should've been relieved, but he was discordantly surprised. Just then he spotted her at one of the terminals. He stared at April far longer than someone who was just asking to avoid her not a moment before. She was avoiding eye contact with him, April saw him but for her the entire thing was whiplash, embarrassment, followed by swift confusion. What Ethan did wasn't a booty-call it was fuck-drive-by.

But the hole burning in April's face from Ethan was too much to ignore. Damned the instinct to look at someone whose looking at you. She glanced up and he looked as though he wanted to talk to her, he began walking towards her.

"April, Elsa needs an assist in one," Lanik stated casually.

Like fire had been lit under her ass April moved quickly, and Ethan stood like an idiot with his mouth open. He had left her on the floor but somehow, he was still chasing her. The rest of the shift was the same uncomfortable exchange of power, mostly Ethan losing it to April. For April's part she was more focused on her case. An inexperienced medical student and a situation she couldn't have wished on a meaner couple. The widow fell apart in her arms and Elsa stood by almost as if she was in denial too. The grief counselor came to collect their patients' wife and April went to log her notes in the computer.

"How'd she do?" Lanik asked.

"As good as can be expected, but it never gets easy you know."

"You make it look easy," he remarked.

"-Uh, thanks…I think," April answered,

"-No, I just meant you have a way with people, you make them feel safe, you're kind."

April almost blushed.

"Thanks, but it never gets easy, that woman is having the worst day of her life."

"Days like this I like to run it off, other days I put on my favorite comedies, sometimes I just get a drink," he confessed.

"What kind of day is today?"

"Definitely a drink day, that death came out of nowhere."

April had finished typing up her notes and was getting her jacket and purse from under the counter.

"Well, you know what they say," April stared.

"What?" Lanik asked.

"You don't have to do today again."

He smiled as she walked off.

"Hey April, I'm headed over to Minx's for a drink, you're invited to join me, if you want."

"I'm kind of beat."

He nodded again in conferment and April scurried away to grab the elevator. Not seeing Ethan already on it.

The weight of their encounter stepped on with her. The buzz of a dying light and the thickness of silence was beginning to be too much, finally Ethan said;

"Do you think we should talk about yesterday?"

"Which part? The breakroom or my apartment?" April asked.

They were both staring forward.

"It wasn't right, I think it was a good idea you put in to switch shifts."

"Well, I mean I don't know…you know now after what happened there might be a future for us," She said to turning to face him, "I know it couldn't have been easy to break things off with Vi-."

"I didn't break up with Vicky," He said turning to face her, his face was stone, "-and I don't have plans to, I needed to scratch an itch and I did."

The elevator dinged and Ethan got off, April stood planted in place, feeling sucker punched, searching the ground for what was left of her dignity. She followed a moment later and saw Lanik getting into his car.

"Dr. Lanik!"

He turned to see her.

"You know I think I will get that drink."


	2. Who Am I To You

Who Am I To You?

"So, what made you run me down and agree to this?"

Jimmy was pouring water into April's glass. They were waiting on the server to come back with their order. The intensity in his eyes switched to her as he finished filling his glass.

"I-um, I thought why not," she answered, bringing the water glass to her mouth.

His gaze hadn't waivered. April met his and unblinking she asked.

"What made you ask me?"

The slightest hint of pink presented upon his cheeks. His intensity waned as he looked down.

"Alright, a scotch and soda, and a beer for the lady, would you like to start a tab or-,"

"Just the one," he quickly answered with a snap.

"_That answered that"_, April thought to herself. Her beer was good. There was something about getting an overpriced beer on someone else's dime. Especially if that someone else was only interested in the drinks.

"So….," he began awkwardly.

"I think you're doing well with the ED, not perfect but… good," April said.

He nodded tightly as if the topic of conversation was rude and uninteresting. April watched the bubbles rise and dissipate from her glass. She'd made a decision. Down it. Put some cash on the table so there was zero confusion about this being even date-adjacent. Smile, and leave.

April held back the burgeoning burp, desperate to escape her throat as she stood up and rifled her pockets for cash.

"Oh, um you don't-," he began.

But April had already laid the money down.

"Thanks for the invite," she said with a tight smile.

She felt kind of stupid. If she had wanted to flee the feeling of humiliation felt by Ethan, by entertaining _this_ invitation, she wasn't only wrong; she had run right into it. She wasn't the only person fleeing.

"April!"

Jimmy had run her down and was slightly out of breath.

"I'm sorry, that's not what I meant to-,"

April opened her mouth and instead of a "Don't worry" a Homer Simpson sized-burp made its way out and up. Silence followed. Until laughter and blushed cheeks mirrored the other.

"That's not what I meant either," she said laughing.

"I would say I'm rusty at all this, but I guess you have to use it first for it to become rusty," he said with a laugh, then his eyes grew big.

They both began laughing.

"I get it, I do," April laughed.

"Wait-what do you get?" he asked.

"You are a total nerd."

"Yeah, you got me there. I was kind of a wonder-boy, skipped a couple grades, got into Harvard…but that didn't leave very much room for socializing, you know?"

"I do, much too well I think," April admitted, "But you're friends with Gwen-so?"

"Uh yeah, well, that's more like Vader to Palpatine," he answered.

"Whatever it is you just said is backing up the fact that you are unquestionably a nerd."  
"What about you?"

"I'm more of the 80's horror movie kind of girl, the gorier the better…but I saw the Star Wars Trilogy as a kid," April answered.

Jimmy, nodded, more relaxed with a smile, his blues eyes lazy and large.

"I did mean it though…um earlier, I am tired."

"Oh, please let me," he said opening her door.

The alarm startled them both.

"That's not my car!" April yelled over the noise.

She opened the door behind him and threw her bag in. Her eyes were still wide at the sound as she got in the drivers' side pulling her car out. Lanik waved with an embarrassed smile.

…

"How is your head?"

Her voice whispering in his ear as he laid in bed.

"It's good," he said with a smile.

Sweet Vicky, she was even sweeter when she was showing kindness, kindness in the form of her tongue in his ear and her arm across him; heading low.

"What are you doing?"

"What does it feel like?"

Ethan rolled over and gave her a kiss, deep with the intent of letting her know she was wanted…but just not now.

"How about tonight?"

Her eyes still said sweet, but her face was disappointed.

"Okay," she answered leaning into a kiss.

Ethan quickly got up and got in the shower. He was starting his first shift without seeing her. He'd scratch that itch.

But there she was, at the end of his shift coming in. He'd done his best to type his notes as fast as possible but the he couldn't avoid her.

"How fast did you run?!"

He heard April say to Lanik. Lanik…why was she giggling with Lanik like some inside joke. Lanik was the joke.

"I definitely got my cardio when Vinny and his bat came out!"

April laughed even louder. Ethan's jaws tightened.

"I didn't realize you were so athletic," she remarked with a laugh.

"Well if you can keep up, I run Saturday mornings, you're invited to that too."

"You sure?"

April laughed again and sashayed past a practically hiding Ethan and placed her garments under the counter. It was her first and only late shift of the week otherwise she and Ethan were on every other day or early mornings into the afternoon. Anything to keep them apart. Ethan walked to his car, his jaw still tight as he thought of them laughing, joking, _friendly_. Before he realized it, he wasn't in his car he was in the passenger side of April's. Staring catatonically out towards the garage.

"Ethan! What are doing in here?!"

"Do you still love me?" he asked

"Ethan, what does that have to do with anything?"

"Do you?"

"You're with Vicky, right? Right!?"

Ethan nodded tightly.

"Then it doesn't matter!"

Ethan grabbed either sides of her face and pushed his lips against hers, she pulled back and slapped him.

"Get out!" she yelled.

"I know you do!"

He pulled her face in again and kissed her, this time she kissed back. Maybe she had an itch to scratch too. Neither of their tongues spoke the language of stopping and April pulled her jacket off. Ethan quickly undid the belt on his jeans, pulling himself out. His hands were at his face again, one moving towards the back of her neck. He pulled her forward and then down, into his lap. She opened her mouth to receive him.

"Do you still love me?" he moaned.

The warmth of her mouth and tongue rolling up and down his shaft left no room for her to answer. His eyes were closed until he saw _him_ strut by. Lanik was walking to his car. Ethan's jaw tightened again as did his grip on April's neck. When she seemed like she was going to bob up he held her there, inattentively pushing his hips up. Her gags apparent, as uncontrollable drool began to pool onto his jeans.

April had to concentrate on breathing as the pressure to the back of her neck made it completely impossible to pull away. Her eyes watered as she could feel him pushing his way down her throat. A small patch of his pubic hair escaped his boxers. It was close than far away, like being on a swing, closer then farther, then practically touching her eyelashes as she violently gagged. He was back to speaking to Korean again.

If she could've understood him, she'd know he was asking relentlessly if she still loved him before he held her head in place and flooded her throat with warm goo. His hand relaxed and April quickly smacked it away as she brought her head up.

"Who am I to you?!" she whimpered.

He was zipping his pants up and tidying himself up. She pushed his shoulder as she sniffled. Her eyes red.

"What am I to you?!"

Ethan stood silently. He didn't want to reflect on that question. He didn't like what he saw in the mirror if he'd answer.

"I won't do that again," he began, "I don't know-."

"-Just get out Ethan."

April sniffled and wiped her mouth and face, she wasn't looking at him anymore. She felt foolish and small. She'd let him crawl under her skin again and he wasn't giving up Vicky anytime soon.

…

Ethan drove to his place, Vicky had lit every candle he owned and some she'd obviously brought over. She was dressed in very little, but those tiny bits of fabric were beautiful and probably costly too. He floated through their entire encounter. His was thinking of everything but the mahogany skinned goddess gyrating on top of him. His cock inside another woman's mouth not forty minutes earlier, now deep between Vicky's legs. Why'd he do it? Lanik. Fucking Lanik, did she fuck him? Of course, she hadn't she was his. He rolled them over so he could be on top. He was always on top, on top of work, his game, his girl. He was going to land on top of this situation with April too. His teeth ground as he thought of them laughing, and joking, about what? He was speeding up as the woman underneath him yelped at his haste. She was screaming now, obviously coming. Ethan snapped out of it and groaned in her ear. It was his best impression. He'd never faked it before.


	3. I Like You

"I like this, having breakfast with you.. in complete silence."

April hadn't said much when she joined him for their run,even less when they finished, and nothing after she placed her order. It seemed fine at first. Jimmy was cooling off, stretching, and riding his endorphin high but when he came down he realized he was miles from April or at least she was from him.

"That was an attempt at a joke…"

Jimmy rubbed the back of his neck clenching the middle as if it could solve her silence.

"I'm sorry...I thought the run would clear my head," April muttered.

"I think it did, you haven't had two words to say since I picked you up."

Jimmy's big blue eyes demanded one to give into them. April wasn't immune.

"My ex, he- or we...it's-it's gotten really complicated lately," she confessed.

"How so?"

"Have you ever done something to yourself and known it was bad but you just keep letting it happen?"

"Like self-harm?" he asked.

"Kind of…?"

"Are we talking eating ice cream when we know we're lactose intolerant or cutting ourselves?"

His eyes filled with concern.

"Is there a middle ground somewhere?"

His smile, however bittersweet, was welcomed.

"I've been letting him do things to me that I wouldn't let anyone do...he's rekindled another relationship and-."

"-I'm sorry, I gotta stop you. I'm pretty sure I know who you're talking about and now I need to be honest."

April sat up.

"I like you, like, _like_ you, I think you're tenacious and kind."

Flush that had dissipated from their skin was back in their respective cheeks. Nonetheless he continued.

"I know messy. I do, trust me but if this is the kind of mess you're not ready to step out of then just let me know, we can still keep hanging out, I do enjoy your company but-,"

"-Of course, it's um, more like feelings that I need to be done with and I want to."

Sweet was all that was left in his eyes now.

…

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. See 1. Ethan forced his way into April's place and stoically hammered her into the floor. Opposite reaction See 2. Ethan made sweet tender artificial love to Vicky. He wanted April to gag on her own happiness without him. And now he wanted Vicky's friends to gag in disgust over her doting boyfriend. It was overkill. For every shove of his hips down April's throat was the pull of Vicky's waist to him and quick kiss, his climax?

"Vic-man she's just amazing, I think she could be the perfect woman if there ever was one."

It helped that it wasn't a lie. It was still overkill. He really did believe she was amazing. There was absolutely nothing wrong with her. But April had become the resented addiction. The one he knew he didn't want anymore-no the one he didn't _want _to want. That's what addiction is. The want to quit but the inability to be without it. Vicky was supposed to be the antidote.

"Does Ethan have any brothers?"

Vicky beamed.

"Just a sister," she answered.

"Have you met her?"

"No, it's been a sore subject."

"Becca, do you want the Sauvignon Blanc? We're out of the Pinot," Ethan asked as he emerged from the kitchen.

"I should probably stop, I have an early morning," she replied.

Vicky saw Becca to the door.

"Lunch next week?"

Vicky nodded, "We'll hash out the details later."

Ethan picked up the last of their glasses and headed to the kitchen. Vicky strode in and closed her eyes tightly before resting her palm against her forehead.

"I think I might have had one too many as well," Vicky stated.

"Stay the night," Ethan said as he turned his head to give her a gentle kiss.

Vicky cooed and headed to his bedroom. She yelled to Ethan that she was going to grab a t-shirt. He dried his hands and followed suit.

"Make room," she said sweetly.

_April had his large grey naval shirt on; and nothing else. _

"_Oh,I can make room," Ethan answered. _

_She was wearing his favorite lace boy shorts too._

"Why are you wearing that?"

His tone slashed through the tranquility.

"What-I just grabbed the first shirt," Vicky pleaded.

Ethan's face softened, "Oh-no it's not a big deal, it's just that I have some stuff that would fit you better."

His save wasn't in time. Vicky could see the tightness in his jaw.

"Are you alright?"

"Absolutely," he smiled.

Placebo.

….

His run had taken him farther than he thought; to a park with great trails. Ethan's world was a menagerie of greens, pinks, reds, and blues. Then brown, deep and warm and creamy white skin and blue eyes. April and Lanik were running the same path. He ducked behind a tree as they were finishing up. Lanik gave April a high-five and he heard them laugh before Jimmy opened the passenger door to his car to let April in.

She knew Ethan ran here, she must've done this on purpose. Any guilt Ethan had about his treatment of her over their past few encounters vacated.

…

Weeks went by without incident. April and Ethan didn't see each other at all. Not even in passing. But she was seeing a lot more of Lanik. When they both found the free time they exhausted his list of outlets. They were finally moving into a territory that felt less friendly and more romantic. However, that space was entered very awkwardly. After a casual walk Jimmy escorted her to her front door. Her sweater which had felt appropriate when they began their walk had turned into a source of discomfort. She had it tied around her waist but it was slipping as they climbed the stairs.

"So…," Jimmy began.

This happened way too often, they'd say goodbye but it always felt like there should be more, something else said, a hug, but it never happened and the awkwardness had built to uncomfortable levels.

"The park was nice today," April answered.

Her sweater slid to their feet. April began to reach for it as Jimmy leaned forward, eyes closing. When she sprang up the top of her head hit his chin.

"Ouch!" They both yelled in unison.

"What are you doing?!" April accused as she rubbed the top of her head.

"-I thought you were- you know," Jimmy answered as he rubbed his chin.

When he removed his hand a small knick was bleeding.

"-Oh, you're bleeding," April said.

She was now in nurse mode. Leading them into her apartment. Jimmy had never been in.

"Sit down," she ordered before heading to the back to grab her first aid kit.

Lanik took in her house. It was what he expected, tidy, warm, brimming with light. Soon April was in front of him,on her knees to get a better view of his chin. He stared at the top of her head searching for a mark or a cut.

"You'll have to get a better look later but I don't think you're going to need stitches," April announced.

She paused when she felt his hands in her scalp. Looking around until they smoothed the top of her curls, then frame her face. She was watching him inspect her, put her back together again with such care.

"Thanks," she whispered.

He finally landed on her eyes.

"-Can,can I try something?" He asked.

April nodded with an inquisitive smirk. He lifted her chin up and brought his face closer to hers. His lips almost to her.

"I'm going to kiss you now."

They both closed their eyes at the proclamation. His lips were softer than she thought, her's more robust than imagined. When their mouths closed to seal the kiss neither wanted to stop so they kept going, until their tongues met. The rush of ecstasy, firing through their pleasure centers as she pushed up to straddle his lap. She began gyrating her hips against him. It felt like the next natural thing to do. His hands were on her hips, trying to freeze the pleasure in place. Like teenagers pawing at each other, trying their best to consume and replicate every feeling so it would last. A choked grown escaped his mouth and then an exasperated sigh. April stopped, their foreheads met as she tried to get her breathing under control.

"I just wanted a kiss."

April laughed.

"I guess I wanted a little more," she confessed breathlessly.

"Let me take you to dinner tonight, do this properly."

April moved in to kiss him again.

"Okay."


	4. A Grey Area

After their intense first kiss on the couch April and Jimmy kept their plans for dinner. They decided on somewhere fairly nice. An excuse for both of them to finally dress up and move the relationship to a new zone. After a quick fashion show modeling dress pants, a flowy skirt, or a tight dress April picked the dress. Although unspoken it was heavily implied that tonight would be the night to take their relationship to the next level, physically.

He picked her up at around 7:30 and they made their way to dinner. He sat next to her in their booth, speaking low, almost a whisper in her ear.

"By the way you look really good, and you smell really good too."

"Are you talking about me or this pesto-soup?"

Jimmy chuckled, "Don't order that."

"Why?" she asked.

"Because I'd like to do more of this."

He leaned in for a kiss, more chaste because of the public surroundings but nonetheless seductive.

"There is way too much garlic in it."

April blushed. The server came around and they ordered a bottle of wine and the lamb with braised carrots and polenta. Although relaxed from the wine excitement was building because they only had plans to stay in. Jimmy got their check and was signing it when April excused herself to the bathroom.

"I'll get the valet to bring the car around and meet you out front," he announced.

April nodded. As he was walking out, just arriving was Vicky and Ethan.

"Dr. Choi," he said with a nod and a sly smirk.

Ethan was caught off guard.

"Lanik."

It could be that he was here alone but that shit-eating grin signaled he had something to be smug about. Vicky was giving her name while Ethan's eyes darted around the restaurant. She had to be here too, he knew it.

"I'm going to use the restroom before we order," he said giving her a quick kiss on the cheek.

He sped his way over to the unisex bathroom as the door opened April emerged, eyes wide at the sight of him. Quickly he pushed her back into the bathroom and locked the door behind them.

"What are you doing here?" he hissed.

"Eating, like normal people-."

"-With Lanik?!"

"It's none of your business Ethan," April casually stated as she moved to walk past him.

"No," he commanded, "Why are you doing this? You don't love him, do you think this is going to make me jealous?"

He had her arm gripped in his powerful hands.

"Let go."

"No, not till you stop this."

Although small, April wasn't exactly weak. She pulled her arm away and pushed Ethan back into the door, her long forearm to his throat. She quickly unzipped his pants and began stroking him.

"Is this what you want Ethan?"

His breathing quickened.

"Do you think about me when you screw her?"

Her hand was moving faster as his eyes closed and he exhaled. April released her arm from his neck and stopped suddenly. His eyes flashed open.

"You're pathetic."

She unlocked the door as he was struggling to adjust his clothes.

"April!" He growled, "don't do this."

"Do what Ethan?"

April opened the door and walked out. She quickly glided out of the restaurant as an unsuspecting Vicky sat at her table looking over the menu, not realizing that Ethan had already started ordering.

Jimmy was sitting in the car as the valet opened the door for April to get in.

"Mine or yours?" he asked.

"Yours."

...

They were rolling around on his bed, tearing pieces of clothing off, seeing parts of each other they'd never had. Lanik looked at her as if it was the first time he'd ever seen anything like her before. It made April smile when she unhooked her bra, they'd been fooling around for at least twenty minutes. Finally April tore away from his kiss, his fingers still deep inside her.

She grabbed his hand to stop him.

"Am I doing this wrong?" he asked.

"No,you're great" she said sitting up, "Is this as far as you want to go tonight?"

"Oh."

"No, no it's fine, we've been taking our time with everything else," April added as she brought her hand to his cheek, "we don't have to rush."

Her eyes were a comfort that always made him feel at ease.

"Do you want to...do more?"

"Can't you tell?" she answered.

His blues had never looked so innocent, he blushed.

"Uh...okay let me get something."

He reached over to his night table and opened a drawer, pulling out a condom.

"I'm on the pill if you don't want to...use that."

"Habit," he answered as he rolled it on giving the tip a taut pinch.

He turned back to her, kissing her again, and pushing her back in place before he got on top of her.

After a moment, it was clear he was lost.

"Is that-."

"-No, not there, ow-."

"-Uh, sorry… there."

"Yes."

She giggled, she couldn't help it. She was looking up at him, he looked like a child in awe. HIs eyes bright and large.

"Whoa," he exhaled.

He set his head to the crook of her neck. He would let a breathy, "god" out ever so often. His pace slow as if he wanted this moment to last forever or more realistically he wanted to last longer. He took his hand; sandwich between them, finding her clit. Now she could join him in his vocals. He watched her, in inquisitive observation as she rose in volume to match the movement of his fingers. He pushed his hips more forcefully to match her excitement. Her fingers pressed into his sides as they came together. Jimmy, trailed small kisses from her neck and then lifted her chin to kiss her before getting up and going to the bathroom.

"I'll be right back."

When he returned he nestled next to her. He was quiet, in contemplation. April glanced up at him.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

He snapped out of it to answer.

"Yeah," he said. He had a strange realization on his face. "Are you?"

April sat up to face him. He couldn't help but stare at her breasts, her long neck, her doe eyes, still unable to believe he was seeing them.

"I'm fine, but you seem like something is on your mind."

He gave her a half smile before biting his bottom lip.

"I've never done that before."

April's eyes widened before she took a deep breath.

"You've never-,"

"-Not with a woman."

"-Wait, never?!"

He shook his head no. April smiled.

"How was it?"

"Good, different than I expected, better."

"-In comparison to…," April trailed off when she realized what he was actually saying.

Her gaze needling to a trance. Jimmy titled his head.

"Is that okay?"

"-Yeah, yeah, yeah it's cool," she rambled.

April began searching for her clothes. Lanik's face dropped.

"Yup, I scared you."

"-No, I just need to go to the bathroom."

April let the door shut behind her. She kept mouthing "oh my god" over and over again as she sat on the toilet peeing.

Because the world fetishizes the idea of women with women. It's hot, and when a woman who's only been with other women finally decides she might want to have sex with a man; the world behaves as though everything has been set right. The guy is a true stud who flipped the lesbian. But with men it's taboo. You were marked, gross, your masculinity wasn't a question anymore because now that you've admitted to having sex with men you forefieted your card to true manhood, your masculinity didn't exist. April was doing her best to repel the latter feeling. It wasn't fair to him. She was a mess when he asked her out. Still being messy with her ex, she had no right nor room to judge. Besides, it was good. When they weren't fumbling about like confused middle-schoolers, it was really good, better than Ethan. April flushed the toilet, washed her hands and came out. To her surprise Jimmy was putting on pants. He pinched at his eyes and pulled contact lenses out she never realized he wore until now and into a small plastic case. He pulled a pair of thick bifocals from the end table.

"Do you want me to take you home?"

April scrunched her face in disappointment.

"Wow James, I didn't realize you wanted the full experience of bedding a woman and then kicking her out," she teased.

"You just, you seem freaked out."

"I was, a little, mostly surprised though...can I stay?"

Jimmy let out a sigh and smiled.

"Of course."

April smiled and crawled back into his bed and tugged at is hand so he'd sit too.

"So, just so we're clear, you aren't saying you've never had sex, you're saying you've never had sex with a woman...which means you've only…-,"

"-Yes with men," he replied.

"I guess I thought there was a chance you meant anyone, just cause when we talked about dating you made it sound like you didn't have much of a history."

"I don't, I had two girlfriends, one in middle school and then a short relationship in highschool, after that I kind of stopped looking at women, I realized I was looking at men more."

April got comfortable and stared at him; hoping he'd continue. He nodded.

"Then in college I didn't date much but I hooked-up...a lot. I thought I was gay for a long time but in the last year or so I've been noticing women again...I noticed you."

"Me?"

Jimmy scoffed with a smile, " You're gorgeous, anyone can see that, but I think I realized there was more to it when I saw Ethan kiss you one day after shift. I realized I wished I was him, kissing you."

He smoothed his thumb over her chin and then leaned in to kiss her.

"Things aren't always so black and white are they?" she remarked.

"No, they're not."


	5. Schedule

Ever since that night at his apartment all Jimmy could think about was doing it again. April had left early the next morning to meet her parents at church. They had two different shifts and it'd been four days since they'd actually seen each other, _privately_. They'd sent texts and spoke on the phone, still getting used to all the new information and experiences, but Jimmy was ready to move on and on meant back on top of April. But he wasn't exactly smooth about getting it, actually he was getting downright cranky.

"Nurse Sexton, can I see you in my office?" he asked sternly.

They had always been professional at work especially when their relationship entered the romantic phase. Sure they joked around and people suspected they were friends but they never displayed PDA. If April had learned anything in her former relationship it was that power structures mattered and Lanik had even more power than Ethan.

He was stoic as they walked. April was stealing quick glances of him on the way to his office, an office she didn't even realize he had. All the heads of departments had one but because Lanik seemingly spent all of his time in the ED it seemed as though he didn't have one. She was wrong.

"Sit down," he ordered as they walked.

"Dr. Lanik?"

April, still confused, but now worried, began to sit in the chair in front of his desk.

"On the desk."

April turned, alarmed.

"James?"

Finally his face softened as he pushed her to sit down on the desk. His hands cupped either side of her face as he planted a kiss on her. April smiled as he pulled away.

"I didn't think-at work-," she stuttered with her eyes still pressed closed.

She'd missed him too.

"-We didn't actually say anything about it," he said as he pulled her scrub bottoms down.

April got up just enough to allow her pants to slip down around her ankles. Jimmy pushed her legs apart and kneeled in front of her. He'd never done this with a woman either, but he was excited to try. And April could feel it too. It was as if he'd decided to read an anatomy book on the vagina, every detailed part. She had her hand to her mouth muffling herself, as she moaned into her palm, her eyelids fluttering. She pushed her palm against his forehead to get him to back off.

His eyes were wide and wondering if he'd done something wrong.

"Fuck me," she ordered.

He stood up and unzipped his pants pulling a condom from his pocket, one he'd been fiddling with in his pocket for days thinking about the next time they'd get to be together. He slid his writing station aside to make room for her on the desk. April could feel the heat of his breath against her ear, smell his cologne. His hips driving into her, greedily. The creak of the desk was getting louder and embarrassingly so.

"We need to get up, someone is going to hear us," April giggled.

"I-I know," Jimmy answered out of breath, "Come here."

He walked her over to the wall, making her face it and pulled her hips back to his before gliding back inside her.

"God-dam," he exhaled before picking right up to the speed he was at before.

It wasn't exactly quiet but it wasn't the loud creaking the desk was making. Jimmy was trying and failing at not cumming so he used one hand to slide in the front of April to rub her clit. It was just enough to finish what he started at the desk. She balanced herself on one hand before bringing the other over her mouth to groan loudly into it. Jimmy bit down on his bottom lip as he gushed inside her. His breath ragged as he flinched and spasmed against her. They both leaned against the wall, lazily.

"Sorry, god I just-I've needed to do that for days," he laughed into her hair.

"Don't be sorry, I'm not," April answered as she tried to catch her breath.

April slowly began pulling up her pants as Jimmy began zipping up his. April turned to kiss him.

"You know I'm free tonight," she said.

He smiled.

"Good, come over."

April nodded.

"I'll go first, this is your office."

Jimmy nodded and began looking for some toiletries he kept in his desk as April strolled out. Only to run into Ethan in the hall. His face twisted in a disgusted-rage at the sight in front of him.

April was caught off guard for a moment but riding a high from her encounter, she found his anger amusing.

"Dr. Choi," she said addressing him as she went to walk by.

He snatched her arm.

"A little unprofessional don't you think?"

"Let go Ethan."

"I can smell it all over you!" he hissed.

"Dr. Choi?" Jimmy's voice rang from behind them, "Did you need something?"

His eyes darted to Ethan's grasp on April's arm.

"No, April just lost her footing on the way out of your office. I was just helping her get upright."

A tense mealy mouth smile spread across his face as he eased his grip on her arm. April took off walking. She didn't want to feed the moment anymore or have Jimmy wondering about them. She didn't want to ruin the excitement of their evening.

…

April was grinding on top of James as he gripped at her thighs, keeping the sensitive feeling she built within him to the max. He pushed his hips up and came loudly into her.

"Oh-god," he groaned.

April collapsed against him, out of breath as their sweat glistened against them.

"I'm hungry," she finally said.

Jimmy laughed.

"Me too, but I don't think I can move enough to go out," he said.

"Let's order in," she suggested.

"Okay, as soon as I get feeling back in my toes," he answered with a laugh.

April could feel the rumble in his chest as he laughed as she was still draped across him.

"Can I ask you something?" he began.

April rolled off him but turned toward him. Her head in hand propping her up as she nodded yes.

"What was that, earlier today...between you and Choi?"

April took a deep breath and looked down.

"I think he heard us."

His mouth went to an exaggerated frown.

"Oops," he scoffed with a laugh, "It just seemed like there was something more going on there."

April nodded.

"He's jealous."

She should have just told Jimmy the truth. But that would include the handjob she gave Ethan in the bathroom,preemptively gloating about going home with him. Besides, it didn't matter, she wasn't going to engage with Ethan anymore.

"Huh."

Jimmy had that far away look in his eyes again.

"What?" April asked.

"It's just weird, if he's jealous why did he ask me to switch his shifts?"

"What?"

April was now completely sitting up. Jimmy couldn't help but stare at the gazelle like neck and perfect tits as they bounced up.

"Yeah, he wanted to go back to his old schedule...all of us together...is that okay?"

April's eyes were adrift, a mix of annoyance, angry, and confusion,

"April?"

"Oh, um, I was just thinking...how do you feel about Green Leaves for dinner?"

He smiled but his blues were burning through her again.

"Green Leaves is good, I can think of some things I'd like to do with their mango pudding."

April smiled back devilishly too. Jimmy got up and headed to the living room to get his laptop and April headed to the bathroom. After washing her hands she found her clothes, her phone slipped out of her jeans as she was picking them up. Her home screen was filled with missed calls, app updates, and notifications, and buried between them was a text message; from Ethan.

"_**See you at work Monday."**_


End file.
